Early morning ramblings…

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Psalm 43:5

I want to first say thank you to those of you that contacted me in regards to my last blog. You are truly gifts from God! I wish I could say that I’m back on track, but that wouldn’t be the truth. Things have gotten better though. I’ve had some wonderful moments in the past two weeks… sigh, yes two weeks cuz I neglected to blog again last week.

One of the moments that comforted me so much I want to share. Without going into great detail… I called my Mom one day on my way home from work and she told me she was on the phone with my grand-daughter who was very upset and sobbing over something that was said to her. My Mom said she was going to hang up with her and for me to call her back, which I did. I call her and she was so very downcast, as we are talking and she is telling me what was going on she starts sobbing harder. It was about Christmas and she was very confused… she is 8 years old. Through her time spent with us in North Carolina… going to church and reading the Bible with me, she has come to know Jesus. What a blessing!!! So, I am talking to her about the celebration of Christmas and Jesus’ birth. Explaining how no one can take that away from us, it’s a very real celebration. She starts to calm and says, “Memaw, He is here with me now. He’s right behind me.” As I type this I get the same rush and tears I got at that moment. I asked her, “Is He putting his arms around you?” and got “yes.” For that moment all was well with the world. A child comforted, a Memaw comforted. Beautiful, huh?

So, I think I can say in the past two weeks I’ve begun to draw back to Him. I shared with my Bible study group about this distance of late. It was very hard to say this and not break down and cry, but the time was right and I needed those around me to help lift me up and such. Ok, that’s hard to admit. The scripture I used above actually came from a phone call from someone in this group. She wanted me to hear it and offered her own words of comfort. Again, gifts from God!

The way I feel now is how life used to always be. The good thing is I know it doesn’t have to be that way and even better yet… I know it won’t always be this way. He is here with me still… for whatever reason… my doing or outside forces, His presence just isn’t engulfing me in the way I wish it would. I will wait, I will try harder to be quiet… and it will come.

~Lord, thank You for all the blessings You have bestowed on me. I especially thank You for the gift of love… love shared from others… love I can share with others. Please continue to hold me in this time of struggle. I know You are here and don’t know how to express the love I feel for You and Your patience with me, but will try. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen~

Out of whack...

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Psalm 46:1

Blogging is about telling it how it is, so today that is really what I need to do. I didn’t blog last week and am pretty upset about it. I wanted to, but I couldn’t think of anything to say. Here we are a week later and I’m feeling the same… but still want to do it and am going to.

It’s been a few weeks of feeling quite out of sorts and unfortunately not very spiritually grounded. I’ve been having trouble sleeping more than a few hours at a time and it seems the less I sleep the more overactive my mind becomes. I can’t even begin to say how many times I’ve tried to be still and pray and failed at it lately. Even now as I sit here I’m shaky… like I drank 10 cups of coffee or something. I did have 2 and took some cold meds, which probably didn’t help.

I’m behind on my Bible study also. It’s like a force of some sort is keeping me from doing the things that will bring me back closer to God. This happens I know… but to not have the discipline or strength to fight it lately is frustrating to me. Today I’m going to muster up the strength and fight what is keeping me back. Blogging and then getting into the Bible… no matter what. I suppose like most other things in life, if we get out of the habit or pattern it becomes increasingly more difficult to get back into it.

I would love to hear from others on this matter. What do you do when this happens to you? Any good suggestions on how to quiet an overactive mind and heart (yep it beats more rapidly when I’m like this too)? Feel free to comment here or email me, please.

~Lord, please help me fight this force that tries to pull me away from you. I ask that you help me to turn the distracted time into time spent with you. Thank you for being here with me at all times and not turning away when I step back. I pray that today is a turning point. In Jesus’ name, Amen~

The pursuit of…

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Matthew 6:33

There has been something bothering me for awhile now and it’s come to the point where I have to deal with it. It’s interesting to me how things I have done probably my entire life at first went un-noticed (by me that is), then I got a bit of an inkling of it being there, next it became quite apparent, started to eat at me and become ugly… and finally it was time for it to be gone. I’m referring to character traits mostly… ones that really don’t need to be with me.

What has been bothering me is how I seem to enjoy the pursuit of things. It can be an object, person, pet… just about anything. I become obsessed and actually enjoy the pursuit. Then, once I’ve achieved whatever it is… it seems that I’m happy for a short time and then it’s on to the next. Many times I’ve heard that women should play “hard to get” cuz men love the pursuit involved. I guess being female, I never really saw myself doing the same thing. This isn’t a new realization… it’s been some time since I’ve noticed this in myself, but that was it… I noticed it. It’s not become quiet uncomfortable to me. It doesn’t make me feel good and it’s not fair to others at all. I slight people in my world when I’m busy pursuing others people or objects. It takes a bunch of time and energy to get what I want… grrrr… how ugly does that sound!

This morning I mentioned this to someone. I said I’m not sure if this is a sin or what, but do know that it doesn’t feel good. I wanted to blog about it, but wasn’t quite sure how it fit into my spiritual journey. I’ve been praying about it… been asking God to please remove this from me. What I never thought of was something she said… putting the time and energy and pursuit into Him! I know how to do it, just didn’t direct it in the right direction. The pursuit of the Lord is one I can feel good about… it won’t ever stop… and I don’t think He will let me put all else aside while doing it. What I do believe He will do is show me where else to put my time and energies and be able to feel good about it.

I’m not expecting this to happen overnight, but do feel so much better about things already.

~Lord, thank you for bringing things to my attention and making me want to become a better person. Please show me how to put more energy into seeking to know you better and less energy into pursuing earthly things. Help me to show love and compassion to those in my life and not to push them aside while I obsess over something else. I ask this in Jesus’ name, Amen.~

Time of acceptance...

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

Revelations 3:20

Yesterday our church celebrated All Saints’ Sunday. It prompted me to know I had to blog about something that on one hand I do want to blog about and on another I’m very nervous about it.

We were asked to call out the names of Saints that were close to us and had moved on to be with God. I didn’t, but calling out my Dad’s name was on the tip of my tongue. I thought about all my family members who have passed away and I wonder. All wonderful people, God’s chosen ones. But what I am going to blog about is my Dad.

Dad had a stroke and was in a coma for fifteen days before he died. I was there (in California) for I believe it was ten days and then came home to North Carolina for a few and back again. During the time he was in the hospital there were many, and I mean many, visitors. My Dad was very much loved by not only family, but by co-workers and of course his friends.

Like I mentioned, he was in a coma… he was in ICU and because of that only a few people could be in the room with him at one time. One person that came to see Dad just about every day was Juan. Juan was the janitor for the company my Dad worked for. Dad was the Executive VP of the company… like I said he was much loved, and respected, by all there. There were quite a few times I was in the room when Juan was in visiting. Juan understands English quite well, but doesn’t speak it much. He would walk from one side of my Dad’s hospital bed to the other praying in Spanish. I frequently heard him say Jesus’ name in the prayers. Every once in a while we would see slight movement in Dad’s hands or feet. The doctors said it was like a muscle twitch or something, of course I wanted to think it was responses to what he was hearing and feeling. Those movements weren’t very often except for when Juan was in with him praying. Now I wasn’t Christian and of course my Dad was Jewish… so I used to think to myself that Dad was probably freaking out at all the talk about Jesus. I know I mentioned to many people that it was amazing what a reaction Dad was having to Juan being in the room and praying over him. I liked when Juan was there cuz it gave me some hope that my Dad was hearing us.

Now fast forward to about a year and a half ago… I think it was actually in the late winter or early spring of 2009. I’m sitting in BSF (Bible Study Fellowship)… it’s after we had the small group discussion and we were listening to the lecture. The lecture had nothing to do with anything that was reminding me of my Dad. The voice of God, that I mentioned in an earlier blog, spoke to me and said, “Your Dad got it and I want you to know that.” I was puzzled and wondered what that was about… then I got more information. When Juan was praying over my Dad and talking to him and freely sharing our Lord with him, my Dad got it. I was told that he accepted Jesus before he died.

I didn’t know what to do with this. All I knew was it wasn’t something I thought up and it came out of nowhere. We walked out and I was kind of scared to mention it to anyone… but then again, how could I not? My group leader was walking next to me and I told her what had just happened and how bewildered I felt. She listened and cried… she was full of joy and so touched by what I had just told her. And amazingly to me she didn’t doubt me. Because of her reaction I have been able to share this story with a few other people. And now I’m branching out and sharing it on a much larger scale.

I want my family who reads this to know that I don’t think for one moment Dad gave up being Jewish. Like me, we are always going to be Jewish. We just came to know Jesus as the Son of God, sent to earth to die on the cross for us so that we may have eternal life. And I am so happy to know that my Dad is there and that it’s never ever too late to accept Jesus into your life.

~Lord, I pray that one day every heart will be open to accepting you and letting you in. I know it’s never too late and can happen at the time of death… but it would be wonderful to have us walk the walk of knowing you together while we are here on earth… so that is my prayer for today. I ask this in Jesus’ name, Amen.~

Lettting go of the wheel...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (New Living Translation)

Last night I went to bed thinking about the words in the chorus of the song “Jesus Take the Wheel”:

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
'Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

We were very blessed to have a Praise and Worship Team come to visit our church yesterday. They are a beautiful choir and in-between songs some of them gave testimonies. One in particular had me in tears. A woman spoke about how she lost her mom about 35 years ago on Mother’s Day, which was also her graduation day. She spoke about how God was in control and her mom went to be in a better place. She also spoke about her young (early twenties) daughter who recently got very sick. The doctor wasn’t being encouraging, but that didn’t stop her from starting up a huge prayer chain. She said within 24 hours her daughter was up and I believe it was 24 hours after that released from the hospital. She is now back working at her job. Again, God was in control and the faith of many helped carry her and her daughter through.

Back to the words from the song. I used to see it as the song goes… a woman is driving with her child in the car and loses control and asks Jesus to take the wheel. But it’s so much more than that. In many ways my life is that out of control car and I can’t do it on my own. God has a path already mapped out for me. If I would just let go of the wheel and be a good passenger, I believe he will navigate my way too.

~Lord, please help me be strong enough to let go and let you do the driving. Not only for me, but for those I love and care about. Help me to know that you have laid out the paths for each of us and my job is to listen and do what it is you would have me do. It’s in Jesus name I pray, Amen.~

Where do I turn...

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 (New Living Translation)

Friday I was on my work computer and clicked on something I knew better than to do. It was a malware virus of some sort and it promptly started to spam my computer with little windows tiling all over the place faster than I could possible read or try to click them closed. I tried the safe ways to shut the computer down and wasn’t able to so I turned it off from the power button. After a few moments I tried to turn it back on and it wouldn’t boot up. I tried numerous times and couldn’t get it on… not even in “safe mode.” Now panic starts to sink in and I call my husband and we try to think of a few possible options. After talking to him, I called a computer pro and talked to him… well that scared me cuz he was thinking my hard drive may have completely crashed. We went over my options and decided that he would come out and take a look at it.

The computer pro was able to get my files off the computer, but not able to get the hard drive to boot up. It was on its last leg and a new one was needed. Hubby runs out Saturday morning and gets a nice new one to install… gets it in and runs the restore software. I’m not thrilled about starting over, but am glad my files appear to have been saved. By Saturday afternoon the computer still isn’t booting up. The old computer isn’t liking the new hard drive too much and doesn’t want to play nice. Hubby has been on the phone with computer pro kicking around the options. I’m trying to stay busy and not show the concern building in me. I know everyone is doing what they can and no use in me making matters worse by fretting out loud. Long story short, it’s now Sunday afternoon and the computer isn’t up and running… it may or may not be tomorrow after hubby tries a few things on it. I don’t have my documents, accounting, customer email information, etc. available and don’t know when (and do I dare say “if”) I will.

It dawned on me at some point yesterday that I had told many people about this situation, but I hadn’t prayed on it. So I shot up a fast “flare” prayer. Well, it’s eating at me today that I’ve not been in reverent prayer over this. It’s important… it’s quite important really. Do I think that God isn’t technical enough to help with this? Do I think it’s not important enough to Him and that one little mention is enough? Do I not know that He is where I should turn in times of trouble and concern?

I’m so glad that this was the day I was to update my blog cuz I really needed to sit down and take a look at myself and my lack of… struggling with how to word this… faith in God I suppose. I am lacking faith when I don’t turn to Him. He wants me to… I need to. I don’t want to lack faith… I want to grow in my faith, be strong in it, trust in Him and make sure to turn to Him for all things.

~Heavenly Father, thank you for being there and caring for us and about all our concerns and needs. I’m sorry for my lack of prayer in times of need and concern. I’m sorry for trying to be the judge of what is to mundane for You to worry about. I promise to strive to be more faithful and to come to You first in prayer and ask for Your guidance in all I do. Amen~

Words from the heart...

You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.

Matthew 12:34-35

About three weeks ago the above scripture came up in our Bible study and also very similar words were spoken in the sermon at church. I knew at the time I was being spoken too and they have continued to weigh heavy on my heart.

My tongue lashes out with evil words way too often and I don’t like how it makes me feel. Yet, I can’t seem to get a grip on it. Oh I know it’s not for “me” to get a grip on… I need to pray more and harder and let the Spirit within me work. It is probably “me” that hinders it though. I don’t believe that I’m mostly mean and evil, but there is definitely a part of the old me that surfaces easily. It shouldn’t matter at all how far I’m pushed by another human being… that’s a poor excuse for allowing ugliness into my heart and out of my mouth.

What would Jesus do if someone was taunting Him? Would His heart harden and ugly words fly from His mouth? Nope! He would find a way to love them. Oh my gosh, can you imagine? Maybe you can, but I can’t… at least not yet. I pray to be civil, pray to understand… and I need to start praying to love. To love someone when they are being unlovable. It’s easy to say that I’m just human and have human reactions and emotions… but I’m finding that to be less and less of an excuse. The more I learn the Word of God, the more I learn that I’m flawed and I can be better. I have a way now… through Jesus and the Spirit.

~Lord, please forgive me for the ugliness that flows from my lips. Help me to be more like You… to love even when it’s hard. I pray that my heart will soften and not harden when it’s tested. I pray that I am able to put my selfishness aside and feel more compassion for others. With Your help I know I can do this. Thank you Lord, Amen.~