Into adulthood...

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

James 1:5

So we approach adult years and I pretty much have no belief and didn’t really think about it too much.

In my early-mid twenties I started to attend Alanon meetings and began to work the 12-steps of the program. One of the first things was to believe there was a power greater than ourselves and be able to turn our lives over to this power. This “power” was “God as we understood him.” Honestly, at first I wasn’t able to call this power God. I was ok with a power greater than myself cuz I was a complete mess and obviously wasn’t able to fix things on my own… but to call this power that I was going to turn my life over to “God”, that wasn’t so easy. I don’t know exactly when or at what point I finally started to call him God, but it did happen. I became quite comfortable with “meditation” and in my meditation I was talking to my greater power. I now term what I was doing back then as “prayer”. My greater power was big and soft and comforting and I loved being in his presence. I even had a metal image of him… one I still see today. And he became God… my God. No deep religious connotation, just my God. I see this as one big step in the right direction on my path.

So now I’m going through my twenties and thirties and early forties being able to say the word God and to even say I believe that He exists. I would talk to him on very rare occasions, but still didn’t really get it.

There came a time where I started to realize that my life was missing something… something big. I had human relationships, I had the horse I always dreamed of having, my family was great… I didn’t know what it was but did try to search. I worshiped men and that didn’t work… I even tried to dabble a bit in Wicca. I got books and they just totally confused me and didn’t feel right. Nothing felt right.

To me the biggest knock over the head God gave me was in 1999. I was in a bad car accident and am very lucky to be alive… not only alive, but alive and well. Some bad cuts, bruises and broken bones along with a totaled vehicle… but alive. I found myself telling people that God must have kept me alive for a reason. In the back of my mind I wanted to find that reason.

My belief in God became much stronger and my search for what was missing became more apparent to me. I still dabbled in things that weren’t helpful… and they began to feel more and more wrong.

A few months after my accident I moved from California to North Carolina. Much culture shock involved in this move, but I believe very much for a reason too. Instead of donut shops and convenience stores on every corner I was now seeing churches everywhere. Everyone I met went to church on Sunday, including my boyfriend (now husband). I started to sneak into the early service at his church on Sunday mornings and I liked it. It was in English and there was singing and the people were nice. But there was one catch… Jesus. I didn’t know anything about Jesus. I listened and liked a lot of what was said. I wanted what the preacher said we could have and do with our lives. And even wanted to believe in Jesus, but I was Jewish and we never really talked about Jesus, but I did know that we didn’t worship him.

I’m going to end for now… but come back to read cuz it gets better!

~Lord, thank you for loving me through all my mistakes and bad moves in life. I now know that you will continue to do so and I pray that I continue to thank you for it. In Jesus’ name, Amen.~